Monday, May 2, 2011

Flying With Children


I have done the following things in my life:
1) Completed a Masters degree by the time I was 21 years old
2) Given birth to two children
3) Watched my brother leave for the Navy
4) Climbed Mount Everest*
5) Created a business, designed an entire clothing collection, arranged for the look book to be shot, website set up, contacted 500 boutiques personally and had production lined up in only six months...with a one year old...and whilst pregnant.

None of those even come remotely close to the difficulty of flying on an airplane with children. Two children under two years old at that.

Imagine this:
You are traveling. With a diaper bag packed to the brim with two sizes of diapers, wipes, six pacifiers so there are backups for those that are thrown on the floor, water bottles, sippy cups, a Baby Bjorn, some Ella's Kitchen vegetable packs, five Larabars, a Paleo Kit for mommy, a change of clothes for Squish and three onesies for Munchkin as she is currently attempting to set a new world record for number of outfits one can spit up on in a 24 hour period {she's doing great and keeps breaking her old record every day}.

In addition to the mutant size diaper bag, you must also carry around one 14-pound medicine ball while dragging an additional 32-pound medicine ball behind you without losing or dropping either.

After the indescribable fun of waiting in line at check in for 52 minutes passes, and once you have almost aborted the entire mission after several failed attempts at entertainment while waiting to board, you're finally allowed on the plane. Grab diaper bag and medicine balls. P.S. the large 32-pound ball has the sole objective of doing exactly the opposite of what you want it to do and is covered in Jell-O.

So you manage to get to your seats after squeezing down the 6-inch wide aisle. The large ball won't stay in it's seat because it is covered in Jell-O. Convenient. Turns out the smaller ball comes with a speaker and battery pack that runs on repeat for one hour straight playing screaming vulture noises. Cue either irritated and disapproving looks from passengers {that have clearly never raised a medicine ball}, or sympathetic faces of those who have. Thank Heaven for those that understand.

New discovery! The Jell-O medicine ball apparently has a bounce function as well that allows it to rapidly go up and down or side to side thereby turning the lights on and off and on and off and calling the flight attendant or knocking the seat in front of it...over...and over....and over. Icing on the cake is that in that seat happens to be one of those passengers without medicine balls as she is turning around and shooting laser beam eyes at your Jell-O ball and asking that you keep it mute and motionless. You politely {fake} smile and graciously {fake} apologize. In your head you shoot laser beams back at her. Direct hit.

Vulture screaming ball has a volume function but unfortunately it is stuck on max noise level. Ideal.

Other passengers are all loaded and only one other one has a medicine ball. Hers is sleeping. I didn't know they even made that kind...must be a new model. Do they make Ambien for medicine balls??

Door shut. Finally! Time to take off. Potential distraction for Jell-O ball and sleep inducer for smaller vulture ball.

Pilot comes on the speaker to make an announcement. You pray he has somehow discovered a way to take an entire hour off of the three hour flight ahead of you. Nope! Negatory! Negative Ghostrider the pattern is full! He says: maintenance problem. We will be sitting at the gate for another hour.

Hiauehliufhalsdjvkawuouwgeiufbjdnckjsbcmvnsvjhasvfkwbdvjwdbfkjwansdfp9836rywiRUHBADKGAJWEORIY7qwtGSzo;oaiyhf9awetgfksdhfao;wgfawidhf

Your head just fell off.

The end.

xoxo Sheridan

*just kidding.

14 comments:

  1. Sheridan you are so accomplished! You really are inspirational. P.S thanks for always making me laugh with your stories.

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  2. This post had me laughing out loud and I very much enjoyed you likening your children to medicine balls... hilarious. Just what I needed after a rough Monday.

    I haven't tried the Paleo Kits before but as a primal/paleo eater, I know these would come in handy in a pinch. Any favorites?

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  3. Lauren your blog is awesome! I love your inspiration boards.

    My favorite things from Steve's Club are the Grass-Fed Paleo Kits and the Paleokrunch Cereal. The Paleokrunch bars are really tasty but super soft and crumble easily, so they are a bit hard to eat. I have at least one Paleo Kit every day! Couldn't live without them!! Hope that helps :) xxS.

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  4. I feel your pain and now completely dread future plans to fly with my five kids this July!

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  5. Oh my hilarious!!! Had the same experience on a trip to Costa Rica. It was so terrible that other passengers were actually offering assistance... Haven't flown together since.

    This post made me giggle more than once! thanks for the laugh this evening!

    Ceri

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  6. Oh I feel your pain, we fly to Jamaica with our three year old on Friday! Can't imagine with two medicine balls, you are super women. "Do they make Ambien for medicine balls?" had me in hysterics! I heard am interview with Amy Pohler where she said they buy everyone around them a drink when they fly with their small kiddos.... (note to self) ;o)

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  7. You're too sweet! Thank you for the blog compliment and the Paleo suggestion. Considering that I haven't had cereal in any form for over a year now, the PaleoKrunch sounds pretty amazing!

    By the way, your clothes are beautiful and I've been drooling over them for months now - especially the Claire dress and the Neve Dress in sugared sunset - um, hello, gorgeousssssss.

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  8. Sheridan! OMGoodness!
    I do not have children but I do have 12 nieces and nephews and I have only heard stories, similar to this but not quite to this extent.
    My only fear about motherhood is traveling with children. If my husband is there, great, if not, Mommy will be rescheduling!
    Thanks for the laughs!!!
    Xo

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  9. That story was hysterical. I especially loved the laser eyes.. too funny! And that last part, the flight being delayed.. OMG.. laughed so hard, I got the hiccups.

    Wow, Master's by 21! Awesome!

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  10. That was hilarious!! I only have one medicine ball and *so far* she has been okay to travel with. Since she started walking, however, I'm sure that will all change. Brava for braving flying alone with 2 (adorable but energetic) medicine balls!

    And I *heart* your blog and your line!

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  11. So been there, so done that, so never want to do it again. For us the KEY is the ipad/ DVD combo. I have actually driven back in a cab from the airport when they were once forgotten. Oh, that and a (two, three, four) stiff drinks!

    P.S. Hug fan of your blog... you are uber fabulous!

    xo

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  12. ACK!!! It's "what we do." :-D BEST wishes! franki

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  13. So stressful, isn't it? I have never been more sweaty and stressed than when on an airplane with my child. And I only have one. I give all of the passengers around us a set of earplugs. It breaks the ice and makes them aware that I am trying my best. Most of them are pretty cool about it. Most but not all. Best to you and yours!

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  14. Sheridan-
    i died laughing when i read this and immediately forwarded it to my mother. i stumbled upon your blog, and i am obsessed! i think i spent half of the day reading through two years of your posts.

    thanks for the inspiration and more importantly, the laughs.
    xx
    rachelamy
    myfirstnameisrachel.blogspot.com

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