I wrote this exact same post last year, and was shocked by the number of people who had no idea what was actually proper as far as name order. READ ASAP! This goes for ALL paper - cards, announcements, invitations, EVERYTHING. Next year I'll try to remember to post this in early November to catch people before they start...
I am a massive proponent of common courtesy, good manners, and proper etiquette. We all know to put our napkin in our lap and chew with our lips closed. We all know that it is polite to say yes ma'am and yes sir. And we all know that it is important to write prompt, hand-written thank you notes. Why then, I must ask, is proper etiquette in the paper realm so lacking?
One of the best things about winter that I look forward to more than anything {well, it is a close second behind snuggling up by a fire} is opening Christmas cards. There is something so wonderful and special about seeing everyone's families, recent news, and life updates. I just love them! BUT a little {BIG} grey cloud overshadows my moment when I read the order of the names and they are incorrectly written.
I know that it is the thought that really counts, so some of you might be thinking I am crazy or flat out rude to be pointing this out. If you are of that mindset then do not ever buy any of Miss Manner's books as she will promptly whip you into shape. Others might not even have the faintest idea what I am talking about. Why is name order a big deal or even on my radar for that matter? If you are one who knows what the appropriate etiquette is, improper name order is as glaringly obvious and inappropriate as not doing any of those first things I listed: smacking your food. Elbows on the table. Not saying please and thank you. Major no-no's people!! This is the paper equivalent.
I honestly cannot tell you how many thank you emails I received after posting this last year, saying, YES! Finally! Maybe my friends will pay attention for crying out loud and I don't have to cringe every time I open a holiday card/invitation/birth announcement/etc! FYI, this has nothing to do with, well, my husband is the head of the house so his name always goes first. Baloney. It reflects poorly on you as the wife for not knowing how to properly order the names!
One of the best things about winter that I look forward to more than anything {well, it is a close second behind snuggling up by a fire} is opening Christmas cards. There is something so wonderful and special about seeing everyone's families, recent news, and life updates. I just love them! BUT a little {BIG} grey cloud overshadows my moment when I read the order of the names and they are incorrectly written.
I know that it is the thought that really counts, so some of you might be thinking I am crazy or flat out rude to be pointing this out. If you are of that mindset then do not ever buy any of Miss Manner's books as she will promptly whip you into shape. Others might not even have the faintest idea what I am talking about. Why is name order a big deal or even on my radar for that matter? If you are one who knows what the appropriate etiquette is, improper name order is as glaringly obvious and inappropriate as not doing any of those first things I listed: smacking your food. Elbows on the table. Not saying please and thank you. Major no-no's people!! This is the paper equivalent.
I honestly cannot tell you how many thank you emails I received after posting this last year, saying, YES! Finally! Maybe my friends will pay attention for crying out loud and I don't have to cringe every time I open a holiday card/invitation/birth announcement/etc! FYI, this has nothing to do with, well, my husband is the head of the house so his name always goes first. Baloney. It reflects poorly on you as the wife for not knowing how to properly order the names!
I will elaborate further with the official rule to get everyone on the same page. Ok here we go:
The reasoning is that the husband's first name is never separated from his last name, even if last names are not included in the wording. Jane and John Smith is correct. NOT John and Jane. NOT John and Jane Smith. John did not marry Jane Smith. Jane married John Smith.
Crane's Blue Book of Social Stationery, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, and Crane's Wedding Blue Book and everything Martha Stewart ever publishes on this topic all verify this longstanding etiquette rule. So why does hardly anyone seem to know about it these days?!
Now that I have presented this loud and clear, I want everyone to understand there shall be no more of this: Merry Christmas! Love, Biz, Sheridan, Big Squish and Miss Munchkin. Nonsense. Furthermore, if you have children, this is officially the correct format below, however, if you list all names on the same line it is technically still deemed appropriate as long as the wife's name is ALWAYS first.
RULE: WHEN USING FIRST NAMES, THE WIFE'S NAME IS ALWAYS FIRST.
Read it again.
When using first names,
THE WIFE'S NAME IS ALWAYS FIRST.
NOT. THE. HUSBAND'S.
Read it again.
When using first names,
THE WIFE'S NAME IS ALWAYS FIRST.
NOT. THE. HUSBAND'S.
EVER.
The reasoning is that the husband's first name is never separated from his last name, even if last names are not included in the wording. Jane and John Smith is correct. NOT John and Jane. NOT John and Jane Smith. John did not marry Jane Smith. Jane married John Smith.
Crane's Blue Book of Social Stationery, Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, and Crane's Wedding Blue Book and everything Martha Stewart ever publishes on this topic all verify this longstanding etiquette rule. So why does hardly anyone seem to know about it these days?!
Now that I have presented this loud and clear, I want everyone to understand there shall be no more of this: Merry Christmas! Love, Biz, Sheridan, Big Squish and Miss Munchkin. Nonsense. Furthermore, if you have children, this is officially the correct format below, however, if you list all names on the same line it is technically still deemed appropriate as long as the wife's name is ALWAYS first.
Merry Christmas!
Lots of love,
Sheridan and Biz French
Squish and Munch
Lots of love,
Sheridan and Biz French
Squish and Munch
Now go forth and have proper etiquette, and if anyone you have doing your Christmas cards tells you otherwise, find a new stationer ASAP!
What is the proper order to write the names when the couple is gay?
ReplyDeleteIf the couple took one of the last names as the new family name, then the man who took on the new last name would go first, as the last name was not his last name to begin with. If they are unmarried (or even if they are married and kept their individual last names), I believe the order does not matter.
ReplyDeletePortia and Ellen DeGeneres, for example, if Ellen's last name was taken (not sure, but this is the best pop culture reference I could think of!)
ReplyDeleteI recently had this discussion with my boyfriend, as we were talking about what our married monogram will eventually be and I insisted to him that my initial would go first. I will definitely share this post with him to bring home my point again!
ReplyDeleteWhat is the order if the last name is presented first? Example: The Smiths on the top line followed by the names on the second line.
ReplyDeleteSame rule applies!
ReplyDeleteThe Smiths
Jane, John and Billy
OR
The Smiths
Jane and John
Billy (3 months)
Thank you SO much for this post!! One question though, when addressing envelopes, isn't it Mr. and Mrs. John Smith? I am suddenly terrified that I have been very wrong!!!
ReplyDeleteGreat info thanks for sharing xo
ReplyDeleteYes Mr. and Mrs. John Smith is correct! That's why I specified when both first names are used. If only the husband's name is used as it typically is for more formal things, it is always Mr. and Mrs. So sleep soundly tonight! ;)
ReplyDeletePhew! Okay, one more question and then I will promptly order myself the Crane's Blue Book : )
ReplyDeleteThe Smiths or The Smith Family ... is one better than the other?
Bravo....and thank you, Sheridan! ;)
ReplyDeleteJ loves T/L - as far as putting family after the last name or not it is completely up to you. Personal preference! The Smiths or The Smith Family are equally correct...(I believe. If I come across something that contradicts this now I will let you know, but this is what I have always been taught).
ReplyDeleteWhile you are speaking about Christmas card etiquette, it is making me so sad to be receiving several "e-cards" this year. Christmas cards, in my opinion, should always remain a tangible object. We get so little "real" mail anymore, and like you, I love going to the mailbox this time a year. I know it can sometimes be a budget issue, but I just don't want this to become ok!! We save our cards and punch holes in them to make ring books. My kids LOVE to look at the older cards.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your etiquette lesson. What if you only use first names? Is the wife still first? If so, opps!!
Thanks for the response, Sheridan. I'm bummed. I read your post last year and still managed to mess up this batch of cards. Do you think it would be odd to sign the cards in the proper name order even though the card itself is printed incorrectly?
ReplyDeleteI don't think that's odd at all! I also don't think it's necessary, unless you were already planning on signing in addition to the printed names. Just remember for 2012 so you don't have to go through all of the extra work ;)
ReplyDeleteOk, question for you. How do you address an envelope to a couple when the wife keeps her maiden name??? Please tell me, I cannot find the proper way to address it. Thanks!!
ReplyDeleteIt would be Ms. Jane Doe and Mr. John Smith, OR Ms. Jane Doe-Smith and Mr. John Smith.
ReplyDeleteMrs. is never used when a woman chooses to keep her maiden name.
Hilarious. I already looked up your post from last year when ordering my cards. Does anyone have preference as to what to do with last names that and in "s"? I know that it should be made plural with an "es" - but I still don't really care for it. Do you opt for "+ es" or just "The ____ Family"? I often have a hard time deciding which I prefer. Our last name is so short and unusual that "+ es" changes it too much...
ReplyDeleteI am embarrassed to say that I didn't know this, and always just wrote "what sounds best in my head." Thanks for showing me the light!
ReplyDeleteLC - I hear ya! As with my last name, French becomes Frenches and I really do not care for it as much as The French Family. (which also sounds kind of silly ;) I think that comes down to personal preference :) Neither one is more correct that the other.
ReplyDeleteOkay... What if I did not change my last name? Inside the card I just do Sarah & Steve, but for the return address label I want to have first and last names. Do I still go first?
ReplyDeleteYes! You would do Sarah Winchester and Steve Xyz, or for more formal it would be Ms. Sarah Winchester and Mr. Steve Xyz. In formal instances where titles are included like that you would never have Mrs., unless/until you decided to take on his last name. Hope that helps!
ReplyDeleteI totally screwed this up and my mom called me out on it last week! I even have this book so extra embarrassing! Next year...
ReplyDeleteWhatever your surname, please do not pluralize by adding an apostrophe. Do you say, "I have two arm's" to describe that plural? No, you don't, I hope. It is simply, "two arms." By the same token, the Miller family would be the Millers and NOT the Miller's. If you go to a party at their home, you go to the Millers' house. Or to John Miller's house.
ReplyDeleteFrom someone whose last name is Davis, thank you for confirming the "es" ending. A possessive of that is Davis's for singular, though it looks awkward, and Davises' plural. Complicated enough!
I did not know that! Thanks for sharing ;).
ReplyDeleteI work in fundraising and this is something that often comes up on invitations and letters - many people have no idea what the proper etiquette is, so this post is super helpful!
ReplyDeletehttp://pineapplesandpearls.blogspot.com
Dear SF,
ReplyDeleteGreat post that has sparked a lively email exchange between me and several close friends. How would you handle the following scenario:
My husband and I have only one child together, and to me this looks really odd:
Jane and John Doe
Billy
Also, usually the cards we send have all the print on one line.
I suppose I could list the names "The Does, Jane, John and Billy" (which in your comment section, you say is correct) but my husband has a grown son, John, Jr., who is also a Doe, and I think it would be rude for me to list our names this way, as though it was a complete list.
To add to the confusion, I just looked up this issue in Emily Post's Etiquette, and under Signatures on Greeting Cards, she writes, "When the children's names are included the father's name comes first - always. For example 'John and Mary Godfrey and John Jr.' ... or from 'The Smiths - John, Mary, Johnny, Marie and TIm.'"
Thanks for any help!
A Very Confused Jane
wow this makes perfect sense! I had no idea, thanks for the tip. I hope to remember this for next year.
ReplyDeleteHi Jane!
ReplyDeleteYou are justified in your confusion. There are so many rules that seem to be conflicting no matter how much research you do!
I have to tell you this though: A dear friend of mine who is in the stationery business (weddings, invitations, everything) says her first rule of etiquette is to not listen to Emily Post! HA!
Emily gives too many options - this or that/whatever you prefer. Just looking at her site, she lists both John and Jane Doe and Jane and John Doe as correct. She says for modern times, Mrs. can be used if the wife has decided to keep her maiden name. Neither of those are correct if you are going by longstanding etiquette rules! (which I think we should always go by)
So, if I were you, I would stick to referencing Crane's guides, Miss Manners and even Martha Stewart. Their suggestions are in accordance with traditional etiquette rules, that which modern etiquette should still be based on.
Just go easy on your British friends, Debrett's etiquette guide here in the United Kingdom recommends that the husband's name is first! Personally, I think Debrett's should always overrule anything Martha suggests! Fabulous blog though - I love checking in daily!
ReplyDeleteEvery other Christmas card we got yesterday had the man's name first. Just sayin'. It's gonna be a LOOOOOOOONG holiday season for you if my Christmas card cache is any indication.
ReplyDeleteBravo!
ReplyDeleteHi SF, it's Jane again, and still confused. Thanks for your great reply; I'll follow anyone who tells me I can ignore Emily Post! I'm afraid I've always listed our names: Jane, John and Billy Doe. This is incorrect, isn't it? Would you please let me know how you would sign your cards in my situation?
ReplyDeleteJane and John Doe
Billy
(Does this look weird only to me? Also, many of the cards we send have all the print on one line.)
The Does
Jane, John and Billy
(leaves out John Jr., who is grown and should not be included, but is a Doe)
Jane and John Doe and Billy
Am I missing another option?
Thanks so much for your help - want to get this right!
Fondly,
Jane
Oh gosh I'm sorry - completely forgot to address that part!
ReplyDeleteWhen we just had Squish, I wrote Sheridan, Biz and Squish French. I think if you do want to put Billy below, putting the age makes it seem less awkward with just one child. One line is just fine though even if you have 2+ children.
This year I am doing
Sheridan and Biz French
Squish (2 years) and Munch (11 months)
If you want to include John Jr. you can put him on a separate line if he is married. If he is still single you can include him in the same line though if you choose. Take this example: if John has John Jr., Bob and Sally from a first marriage, and Billy with Jane, and Sally and Bob are married, it could be:
Jane, John, John Jr. and Billy Doe
Sally and Mike Smith
Susan and Bob Doe
OR
Jane, John and Billy Doe
John Doe, Jr.
Sally and Mike Smith
Susan and Bob Doe
Did I confuse you even more??
xxS.
Thank you S! I'm so relieved that when you just had Squish you listed your names like I have done - I was afraid I had violated the rule of not separating the man from his last name. Yay! Now I can send our cards without worry. Falalalala!
ReplyDeleteThank you also for the info on how to list the full family. John Jr. sends his own Christmas cards, but I'm sure this will come in handy at some point. I'm also going to purchase the Crane's book as a little present for myself. Who gets regifted the EP Book? Kidding!
Thanks again, and Merry Merry,
Jane
Hi Sheridan!
ReplyDeleteIsn't it also correct to list the names in the order of the people in the photograph (if one is included)?
I think for children, yes, this is fine, if there would be confusion otherwise. For the parents, if the people you send a card to don't know who is who if you put the names in the proper order, you shouldn't be sending them a card ;)
ReplyDeleteThe only case when I would do the husband and wife out of order personally is if it was a massive family photo with tons of people in it.
do i have send acard back to work colleagues who have sent me christmas cards?
ReplyDeleteme, You never HAVE to do anything, but it would certainly be polite and thoughtful to return the gesture.
ReplyDeleteOh no - I did it all wrong this year! Thanks for the info, though! Love that going into the new year!
ReplyDeleteAnother little known etiquette rule regarding people's names: there is no such person as Mrs. Jane Smith. Even if a woman is married and took her husband's last name, she would not be Mrs. Jane Smith. She is Ms. Jane Smith and Mrs. John Smith. Mrs. always accompanies the name of the husband. Think: Mrs. could be read as 'wife of'.
ReplyDeleteoh thank you, thank you! i am in the process of planning my wedding and will be hand addressing invitations soon. i've ordered crane's book from amazon! i am a new follower and loving what you do!
ReplyDeletexx
I am no stickler for paper etiquette (I omitted full middle names for my wedding invitations which got a few people very upset), but this has always irked me too! Thanks for laying down the law.
ReplyDeleteWhat is the etiquitte if the wife has not changed her surname when addressing envelopes?
ReplyDeleteDo you say Ms Jane Pope and Mr John Smith OR Mr John Smith and Ms Jane Pope?
Is it different if you are putting your names and addresses as the sender?
What do you then do if you are addressing to a family where the the mother hasn't changed her surname, and the children have their father's surmane ...?
Ms/Dr/Professor Jane Pope, Mr/Prof/Dr John Smith, Katie and Joseph Smith ... ???
Martha Stewart suggests that the wife's name goes first. My husband wants his name to go first because one of my friends' wives has an address stamp the reverse with no titles (both are doctors) A Smith & G Planner
Confused ...